Retirement plans :D

“Post-retirement college life”

They say life’s a bitch. There are two sides to every coin. For every bit of fun you have, there is a bit of misery waiting for you. Life always takes you through a tough situation after you successfully cross the lenient one. The toughest time of my life was the last day of my college. After sending off two of my best buddies, I had to leave too. The poignancy of the moment was inevitable, and then, all of a sudden, began the last journey. Heart getting overloaded with emotions and eyes flooded with tears, my sentiments seemed to reach a height from where it would be impossible for them to fall back from. So, I tried to divert my thoughts any way I could – any way that would bring some relief. Moments later, I felt those dark clouds fading out and the climate of my heart getting pleasant. My tears subsided and a broad smile appeared on my face and the last 24 hours of my journey started seeming easy.

“College ke is paar hum zindagi ko nachate hain, aur us paar zindagi hume!” Needless to ask, this comes from Rang De Basanti. Having stayed in college during vacations, I can very confidently say that college days are the best part of one’s life, not because of the freedom or the canteen food; but because of the friends you make and the relationships you build. ‘The end of college life is the end of the happiest days, but also the beginning of the most purposeful days of one’s life.’ I was fantasizing about the life post the end of the most purposeful days of my life, days which were as beautiful in my mind as the days before the beginning of the same. I was wondering if this was not a good-bye. I was wondering if we’re destined to meet again. I was wondering if we’re all leaving for a vacation and then we’re going to come back to the same place and then continue our journey till the end. Of course, vacation would have to mean a period of working.

We all have some dreams, some responsibilities, some targets to achieve; and we’re on a vacation to do justice to those aspects of life. And then one day, when we’ve earned our name, when we’ve established ourselves as a person of note; and when we’ve tended to all the responsibilities of our family, i.e. when our kids are settled in their lives; then we’ll come back to a place and live together, again, as a family. Now close your eyes for a minute and imagine what life would be when we meet again. Far away from social responsibilities and formalities will be a world of our own, just like it was in college -nothing to gain, nothing to lose and nothing to give a rat’s ass about. And years hence, things will be the same again: our mornings will begin with the appalling voice of Aditi and nights will end with a spine-tingling, and immensely irritating, performance by Ravaliya and Luxmi. ‘Nikita Maata’s’lj’s will be prone to causing heart-attacks to everyone, but the daily laughter dose of my ‘katwa stories’ will keep our hearts strong enough to bear them. By that time, Anusha will also get thousands more reasons to be tensed and as many things to get angry at. And Kaushal will get more brainless, and will probably end up in a mental asylum (preferably Bareily) reading novels. Sumitabh will have divorced thrice till then (yeah, THRICE), but won’t stop hunting for girls and sending them friend requests on Facebook. Madhav’s wife (or gf) will keep getting angry at him every ten minutes, leaving his face no option but to assume that famous expression of “Maine kya kiya?”everytime. Anupam will probably not be able to find the right girl and will still be making out with his ‘Barbie Das’. And yeah, the only thing that won’t show even the slightest change is the expression on the face of Body.

A common man sits on a chair and waits for death to come and take him away from the cruel world. But in our case, there’ll be a series of night outs and loads and loads of fun, and a life in our last few breaths. And this time, there’ll be no good-bye. It’ll be, ‘Tu chal, mai aya…’

And now, every time I miss you people, every time my sentiments seem to take over my consciousness, I fantasize about my life after my ‘Retirement’ and start making ‘Post retirement plans’ for my life. This fantasy has the power to literally shoo away my sadness and invigorate my soul, just like your camaraderie had and still has.

I'm the worst pain to live...

I’m the worst pain to live with,

But never have I left you, and never will I.

You thought you buried me long ago,

But I’m alive in your thoughts and never did I go.

You thought you left me way behind your life

But I’m the one muddled in your smile,

I’m the one thwarting you in your celebration.

I’m the foundation for your aggravation and trepidation,

I’m nothing, yet I am the answer to your question.

I’m invisible, yet I overshadow your arrogance.

I make you whimper when you’re alone

When you have all the reasons to be happy,

In a corner of your heart, I make you groan

I’m flashing in your dreams when you’re asleep

I’m the first to wish you a morning,

And the last to wish you a night

You scream at me as I’m silent, but I overrule it.

You beg me as I’m wicked, but I never forgive you.

I’m the one you conceal, but can’t escape.

And I’m the only one you can never deceive.

I’m nowhere, but I’m inside you

I’m something your own, and the worst pain to live with.

Kashmakash...

किसी दिन मै किस्मत से नज़रें चुरा कर 

सजा दूँ जो सपने तुम्हारे सभी

तो तुम जान लोगे जो तुमने है सोची

मेरे मन में भी है तमन्ना वही...

कभी वक़्त से कुछ बहाना बना कर

बिताऊं जो तुम संग पूरी सदी

तो तुम जान लोगे जो तुम चाहते हो

मेरी भी है हर पल की चाहत वही.

तुम्हे डर है आगे की तनहा सड़क से

कदम जिनपे रखने पड़ेंगे कभी

मेरे भी कदम कप्कपयेंगे उस पल

मुझे भी सताता है डर बस वही...

कई दर्द हैं ज़िन्दगी में तुम्हारे

मुझे जिनका एहसास शायद नहीं

मगर तुमको कैसे बताऊँ मै जीता हूँ

बस जीतने को तुम्हारी ख़ुशी.

न दूरी की खुशबू में तुम सांस लोगे

ना साड़ी उम्र तुम जियोगे युहीं

मुझे भी तो होगी घुटन दूर तुमसे

मै कैसे दिलाऊं ये तुमको यकीन!

मैंने भी कितने हैं सपने संजोये

की तुम साथ होगे मेरे हर घड़ी

जो तुम जान लोगे मेरी कश्मकश को

तो देखोगे खुद ही को मुझमे कहीं...

     

 

Mai ab wo nahin...

मै अब वो नहीं जो था कुछ साल पहले

कि अब तू बदलने लगा है मुझे 

मेरे हर पहर में मेरे हर लम्हे में

तू गुमसुम सा रखने लगा है मुझे...

ज़रा देर नज़रों से ओझल हुआ तो

है खुद से ही मन रूठ जाता मेरा

यु तुझसे कही दूर दो पल बिताना

क्यूँ पागल सा करने लगा है मुझे.

तू है सामने पर न है पास मेरे

मै हंस के भुला दू मेरी बेबसी

मगर उसपे तेरा यु नज़रें चुराना

कहीं दिल में चुभने लगा है मुझे.

तू कितना है अपना ये तुझको पता है

ये रिश्ता भी तुझसे नया तो नहीं

किसी और को अब यही सब बताना

बेवजह लगने लगा है मुझे.

मेरे हर लम्हे में तू इतना है शामिल

मेरे जिस्म का जैसे हिस्सा है तू

वो हिस्से को खुद से जुदा रोज़ रखना

परेशान करने लगा है मुझे...

न इक चैन कि सांस लेता हु अब मै

हैं नींदें भी अब मेरी मुझसे खफा

ये हर वक़्त हर पल तेरा ही ख़याल 

अब हैरान करने लगा है मुझे.

मै अब वो नहीं जो था कुछ साल पहले

मै हर मोड़ पर अब कोई और हूँ,

कि मुझपर मेरा बस नहीं अब कोई भी

तू ही बदलने लगा है मुझे...

Kasak...

है सदियों से सपना जो सोया हुआ सा,
कभी आँख उसने भी खोली तो होगी
हवा में उछालना भी चाहा तो होगा
कोई राह चलने को सोची तो होगी.

है बेचैन रातें गुज़रती जो हर दिन
कभी चैन से आँख सोयी तो होगी
कभी जागते होठ मुस्काए होंगे
नयी कोई उम्मीद जागी तो होगी.

हज़ारों मचलते खयालात मन में
कभी तो सुरों में समाये तो होंगे
की फुर्सत क लम्हों में बैठे बिठाये
कोई धुन ज़हन में आई तो होगी

कदम रास्तों में जो करवट न बदले
की चलने से पहले ये सोचा तो होगा
मगर भीड़ के शोर ने सपनो के
टूटने की सदा भी दबाई तो होगी.

नयी मंजिलों में नए दोस्तों में
ख़ुशी ने जगह सी बनायीं तो होगी
मगर भागते वक़्त में भी कभी तो
पुरानी कोई याद आई तो होगी.

की फिर चल रही ज़िन्दगी ने किसी दिन
मन की वो ख्वाहिश टटोली तो होगी
और सदियों से सोये हुए उस सपने ने
कभी फिर से आँखें खोली तो होंगी...

The Angel...

The angel....

It feels like getting everything when you see your daughter opening her eyes for the first time. I felt the same, when I realized that an angel had suddenly entered my life – my daughter. I suddenly came to know what it feels like to be a father when I took her in my arms. Her lips slowly stretched to smile, and her elfin feet started kicking the air. When her petite hand struck against my cheek, I realized I’ve got nothing more to ask from God for myself. I went through thousands of dreams flashing off from her wide opened eyes. Within a few moments I had made countless number of commitments to myself and innumerable promises to her.

All my commitments slowly started giving shape to my dreams. My daughter studied in the best school of the city for her primary education. I tried to fulfil all her wishes before she could ask me, because one of my promises was to give her the best I could.

When she stepped in the age to choose her career, she chose her future as a doctor. And again as I’d promised, she was in the best medical college of the city and the state. All my exhaustion could kneel down before me, all I needed was to see a smile on her face whenever I returned back home. I never needed to put any exclamation mark to her demands or question mark to her steps.

The hands of the clock of my life are now at a position where I can see half of its mission fulfilled. My daughter has become a doctor today. The wetness in my eyes quickly makes me realise the immense pride that a father feels when his daughter establishes an identity of her own, and achieves something in her own right.

Today she told me about the love of her life. I can easily deem the seeds of the new dreams born in her, as a sign of the inexplicable expression on her face. And again it is the time to adhere to my commitments and serve the seed of this new dream.

Today where I am standing is the marriage of my daughter. The more I pray for time to dawdle, the faster it goes. And now my daughter is standing right in front of me, to say a good-bye. How can I afford to see a drop of pain stroll down her cheek? How can I cry in front of her? No, this is the time to wear a mask. I don’t allow my eyes to get wet until she is out of my sight. And there she is, finally walking away from me. Nothing else but a stream of tears starts its endless journey. All my compromises with life now seem to be worthless and life itself seems hopeless. What do I have in the end? The angel of my life, my daughter, has left me. Was she destined to?

The sands of time kept running remorselessly, and now, here I am: sick and desperately needing someone to get me a glass of water. But what I receive is a text message from my daughter:

“Dad I am sending you the cheque for this month. Really sorry couldn’t visit you this time. Have to go for an urgent medical tour. Take care. Miss you :(.”

Only those smileys can help me drag my life by a few more breaths, and wait for her to come. ‘If the angel could reappear in my life...’ is my only dream now that keeps me alive.

Sochta hu...

एक आम आदमी, जो ज़िन्दगी और दुनिया से जुड़े हर पहलू के बारे में सोचता है, समाज को हर तरह से साफ़ करना चाहता है, सिर्फ प्यार से रहना और प्यार ही बाटना चाहता है. मगर सिर्फ सोचता ही रह जाता है. ये कविता शुरू से अंत तक सीरत एक आम आदमी की सोच बताती है.

जो चलती है ठंडी हवा सोचता हु,

जो होता हु खुद से खफा सोचता हु.

की ढल जाती है रात बस सोचने में

मगर फिर से अगली सुबह सोचता हु.

मै लिखता हु हर दिन फसाने नए से,

और हर रोज़ कविता नयी सोचता हु.

है शब्दों की दुनिया मगर उस फलक पे.

मै गिर क ज़मीन पे यही सोचता हु.

क्यूँ रिश्वत की दलदल से तन यु सना है

कभी देख अपना मकान सोचता हु.

हिला दू जो बुनियाद अपने ही घर की,

तो जाऊंगा फिर मै कहाँ सोचता हु.

दरारें हैं इन्सान के बीच की जो

क्या मज़हब उन्हें नाम दू सोचता हु.

मगर खून का रंग तो एक ही है,

तो हम सब में क्या है फरक सोचता हु.

मै करता हू पूजा झुकाता हू सर को,

हू इन्सान मै गर्व से सोचता हू 

मगर देखता हू जो ईमान को बिकते,

कहाँ खोयी इंसानियत सोचता हू.

क्यूँ मरते हैं लोग और जलते हैं घर भी,

मिटा दू मै ये सरहदें सोचता हू

मगर दर सा जाता हू अगले ही पल जब

'अकेला करूँगा भी क्या' सोचता हू.

क्यूँ दुनिया से अब प्यार खो सा गया है,

बदल दू मै सारी दुनिया सोचता हू.

जो हर पल में मुझको है इतना बदलती,

क्या बदलेगी वो दुनिया सोचता हू.

मै ये सोचता हू मै वो सोचता हू.

मै हर मोड़ पर कुछ भला सोचता हू

मगर रात ढल जाती है उस सोच में ही,

और मै फिर से अगली सुबह सोचता हू.