A problem with me; or a problem in me?

They say, 'Life is full of reasons to smile...' Very true quote! Then why is it that life seems to be full of problems now-a-days? Problems in judgments, decisions, sentiments, competition, and moreover, in friendship. Why is there something to deplore about in every success? Why do I find something despicable in every achievement? I am rummaging for the answers to these questions for the last few months. Finally, I think I've got it. Like they say that if you are in problem, there's some problem within you. So yesterday I made a list of all the problems I am suffering with, or some problems in me.

1. Self-inferiority complex: I think this is the biggest problem I've found in myself. For example, two of my friends are communicating in English, and I know that I can do that well, may be better than them. But my tongue twists when I try to speak a word in English In-front of them. I feel that they'll think me a fool, of that they are better than me. This feeling finally takes my thoughts to a depressed state where I start feeling that I really, am a fool. Similarly in every field, I am never able to give my cent percent because every time if I meet someone better than me, I keep thinking that I know nothing.

2. Self-esteem: Well I think it is clumsy to mention self-esteem after self-inferiority. But sometimes I do believe that there's an essence of self-esteem somewhere inside me. Like sometimes I feel that I am the only talented guy left out in the whole world. I can sing, I can compose and script music, I can write poetry, and moreover I can play many musical Instruments starting from the Guitar to the Synthesizer including drums. So at some junctures, I feel that I am getting less importance than I am supposed to get. But I forget that there are far more talented people in this world than me, and also that my talent is limited to music and poetry. This becomes a problem with me.

3. Human lover: I believe that I am a human lover because it takes me a very short duration of time to get sentimentally attached to someone. I feel I can understand their emotions very well. I can become a good friend of anyone in a very short time. But sometimes it becomes a problem with me because such a short period of time seems to be insufficient for them to understand me. And again, as they say that make a friend when you both can completely understand one another.

4. Expectations: The biggest factor for the sadness of many people - expectations. As they say, 'Either expect less, or accept the reality.' Many of my friends always keep telling me that I am expecting a lot from them. But i believe that you can expect only from those whom you love. And from my side I always try to give my hundred percent on their expectations. But it becomes a problem with me because I always expect them to expect from me, but to be there for at least half of my expectations.

5. Problem: And at last, the biggest problem is itself, a problem. This one is not specifically for me, but I think this one is for everyone. When we are in problem, we need to split it out with someone. But we often forget that he/she may also be in some problem, abd how can someone on a problem can alleviate your problem?

So, hereby I found out that all the problems with me are originating from the problems in me. But I still couldn't find a solution to it, because they say that the only solution for it is a change, a change in me. But I am trying my level best and I know that one day I will see my life without problems.....



Well, I think somewhere some of these problems are related to your life also... And I believe if you'll try to, you'll also find that many problems with you are originating from the problems in you, as I found with me. So relate it with you...

वादा करो...

आज एक वादा करो...
वादा करो की जब-जब इन लम्हों की कलियाँ, वक़्त की डालियों पे यादों के फूल बन क खिलेंगी, तब तब तुम एक ख्वाब बन कर मुझे मिलोगे। और दे जाओगे एक उम्मीद, फिर मिलने की... जिसके सहारे हम फिर जियेंगे ये ज़िन्दगी, ज़िन्दगी समझ कर... वादा करो।

वादा करो की जब कभी तुम्हारी याद में भर आएँगी एरी आँखें, तब तुम आओगे इन होठों पर एक मुस्कान बन कर, और ठहर जाओगे... की फिर तुम्हारे न होने का ग़म, तुम्हारे होने का एहसास बन जायेगा, और हम उन आंसुओं को ओस बना कर पलकों पे ही जमा लेंगे... वादा करो।
वादा करो, की जब कभी मई खुद को बेबसी क मझधार में पाऊं,
तन्हाई से झूजता हुआ, तब तुम आओगे एक लहर बन कर। और खींच ले जाओगे मुझे दूर... हर बंधन से, हर सांस से, हर रिश्ते से, दुनिया की हर रस्म से दूर, बहुत दूर एक ऐसी जन्नत में, जहां एक ज़र्रा भी तनहा न हो... जहां ज़िन्दगी से ले कर मौत तक, सिर्फ तुम ही तुम हो... वादा करो।

वादा करो की जब चलते चलते मेरे क़दम मौत की देहलीज़ पे पड़ेंगे, तो ज़िन्दगी क उस आखिरी पल में तुम मुझे मिलोगे, बाहें खोले... की फिर तुम्हारे काँधे पर सर रख कर उस आखिरी पल में एल नयी ज़िन्दगी जी लूँगा...
और फिर देखना, मौत भी इस एहसास क साथ आयेगी, की मई कही जा नहीं रहा, बस धीरे धीरे तुम्हारी रूह में समां रहा होऊँ, और जिंदा रहूँगा तुम्हारी हर सांस, हर धड़कन में... वादा करो।

पर आज, आज एक एहसान कर दो।
आज इतना रुलाओ, इतना रुलाओ की फिर इस जनम में एक आंसू न गिरने पाए...
इन आन्सौं की बूंदों में इस कदर भीग जाने दो की जितना इसे कोई बरसात न भीगा पाए...
और ले चलो एक ऐसी नींद में की फिर ये आँखें तभी खुले, जब मीलो दूर तक सिर्फ तुम्हारी परछाई हो.....

अभी तू है कहाँ?

हलकी धुप निकली ज़रा सी हवा चली...
आज सुभा जब हुई आँख जो खुली,
आँख जो खुली तोजैसे सांस थम गयी...
दिल की धडकनों पे जैसे बर्फ जम गयी...
जागती सी आँखों को यकीं भी न हुआ।
ख्वाब वो नहीं था धोखा नींद ने दिया...
पत्थरों का वो मकां भी पुच था रहा।
'अभी तू जाने था कहाँ अभी तू है कहाँ?'
ये बारिशों की बूंदों ने किस कदर जिस्म भिगो दिया,
अभी तो हलकी धुप थी अभी ये क्या हुआ?
अभी तो सर्द थी हवा, खुशबू से भरी,
अभी ये कैसी आंधियां हैं ला रही तूफ़ान...
अभी तो कहकहे थे हर तरफ, थी एक ख़ुशी।
अभी ये पल में कैसे ख़ामोशी सी छा गयी?
अभी तो साडी राहें जानी पहचानी सी थी...
अभी ये कौन रास्ते है ज़िन्दगी बढ़ी?
अभी लगी जो चोट दिल ने आह सी भरी,
वो दर्द चीन लेने वाली माँ कहा गयी?
अभी ज़रा सी बात पे आँखें झलक गयी...
वो आंसुओं को पोचती बेहें कहाँ गयी?
जिसकी हर शरारतों में प्यार था भरा,
मेरे दिल का हिस्सा, मेरा भाई कहा गया?
जो मेरी हर ख्वाहिश मेरे चेहरे पे पढता था...
और मेरे बिन कहे उन्ह्हे पूरा भी करता था।
वो पापा नाम का मसीहा कहाँ गया?
जिसकी हर एक ईट में मजबूती थी विश्वास की...
जिसकी नीव एक दूजे के दर्द का एहसास थी...
वो महल खुदा का जहा पर था बसेरा,
वो मेरी ज़िन्दगी, मेरा घर कहा गया?
वो मेरी ज़िन्दगी मेरा घर कहा गया?

Mujhe bhool jana...

आज अगर तुम्हारे दिल में जगह ज़रा सी बन जाये,
तुम मुझे बसा लेना...
आज अगर तुम्हे एक दोस्त की ज़रूरत पड़ जाये,
मुझे दोस्त बना लेना...
आज अगर तुम्हे कोई गीत याद आ जाये,
तुम मुझे सुना देना...
आज अगर तुम्हारे दिल को कोई बात सताए,
तुम मुझे बता देना...
आज अगर तुम्हे क्लास में कोई लड़की पसंद आ जाये,
उससे मुझे मिला देना...
आज अगर मेरी कोई बात तुम्हे बुरी लग जाये,
तो दो थप्पड़ भी लगा देना...
आज अगर तुम्हे हसने की कोई वजह नहीं मिल पाए,
तो मेरा मज़ाक उड़ा लेना...
आज जो मन हो रोने का, और कोई कंधा न मिल पाए,
मुझे पास बुला लेना...
आज अगर तुम्हे अँधेरे में कोई डर सा छु जाये,
बस, एक आवाज़ लगा देना...

पर कल,
कल यही सड़क एक दोराहे पे हमको ला के छोड़ेगी...
कल अगर ज़िन्दगी ले जाये एक नए रास्ते पर तुमको,
तुम हस्ते हुए चले जाना...
कल तुम्हे लगे अनजानी सी हर राह तुम्हारी मंजिल की,
गुमसुम कदमो से बढ़ जाना...

और साथ में ले जाना मेरी लाखों दुआएं...
फिर मुझे भूल जाना...
फिर लिखना नयी कहानी तुम, दोस्ती क नए रंग लाना,
और मुझे भूल जाना...

पर दोस्त मेरे, तुम मेरे हर एक लम्हे में शामिल हो,
मई तुम्हे भूलों कैसे?
तुम हंसी हो मेरे होठों की और आंसू हो इन आँखों क,
मई तुम्हे भूलों कैसे????

Dil ki baat bata kar to dekho...

हर लफ्ज़ सागर सा गहरा है,
कभी इतनी गहरायी में खो के देखो...
लफ़्ज़ों को मिलाने से तो ज़िन्दगी बन सकती है,
कभी कागज़ पे चंद लफ़्ज़ों को मिला क तो देखो...
मत कहो लिख के सही,
पर कभी हमे दिल की बात बता क तो देखो...

इस दुनिया में सब एक जैसे नहीं होते,
आँखों से अश्कों की चादर हटा के तो देखो!
हर अफसाना झूठ नहीं होता,
आज एक नयी कहानी बना के तो देखो।
कुदरत भी जीने एक इशारे देती है,
इशारों में ही सही, पर कभी दिल की बात बता क तो देखो...

हर फूल में कांटे नहीं होते,
आज इस गुलाब को उठा क तो देखो।
ज़िन्दगी रुकने का नाम नहीं है,
आज एक नया क़दम बढ़ा के तो देखो...
खुदा हर दुआ नज़रंदाज़ नहीं करता,
आज फिर उसके आगे बाहें फैला के देखो!
ये वादा है आसमा सिमट क बाहों में आ जायेगा,
बस एक बार दिल की बात बता के तो देखो.....

I miss those ten days...

Sounds like a romantic period of time spent with my loved one that I miss...
Sorry but there's nothing like that in my "Those ten days". In fact this is my examination period that I miss.

Confused? Of course not if you have ever experienced hostel life in a college. So I m going to tell my experience of ten days, six exams.

First day: First day spends in assembling of the inexorable course (and reassembling of the subjects as well), along with deploring for past 3 months and 20 days.

Second day: The second day, we probe the course with full probity. By this time my soul abuses me and abases towards god. As this is the time to defray the past.


Third day: This day spends in searching any one thing in any one subject, that could raise my confidence level, and of course I don't get any. The continuously escalating syllabus leads to a frustration, to get rid of which we watch a movie - Like last time we saw 'Mera pehla pehla pyar' - while we know that such kind of movies provide another frustration, than exams. Finally, we go too bed at 4:00 am; then how the hell can I wake up before 12 noon, as exams bring sleeping sickness along.

Fourth day: Morning is gone! A dizzy work starts afternoon after lunch. Evening spends in the green college campus to relax eyes, and canteen for a tea-biscuit, and soon we find that it is 9:00 pm, after dinner. We see the demon of syllabus deriding us! Then with all our might, we accept it's challenge. The battle continues whole night, and we make it half-an-hour before the exams.

Fifth-Sixth-Seventh-eighth-ninth day: These days spend similarly. After expelling the ocean of knowledge from a small brain to the answer sheet, at our own peril we discuss the question paper with our friends, then finally with perforated confidence we move back to hostel, without forgetting to have an Amul cool from the canteen.
Then afternoon siesta (err, afternoon sleep) of 5-6 hours (plus one hour for convalescence after sleeping), again a round in the college campus, a tea-biscuit in canteen, and a beginning from zero, the hardest mental excercise ever done before. An experience of watching the scenario from darkness to the first ray of light, to morning.

Ninth day: We know that tomorrow is our last exam. So rather than being tensed for the preparation of exam, we are excited for the holidays waiting on the other side of this exam.
Mentally planning for holidays, physically indulged in studies, with hips and hops in between on the tunes of Honey Singh, to bring the frustration level down; brings to the last exam.

Tenth day: Last exam was as expected- spoiled. But no worries at all, because the thrill of the coming moments was continuously inflating me to the seventh sky. A hundred of stories about 'I and my hostel life' were waiting to be shared with Mom-Dad, bro, sis, and friends over there.
Lunch in canteen, then idle sleepless afternoon, evening again in canteen, then dinner outside.
Then watching movies on Laptop with mates, and finally a tired bed, with all the missing memories of the night-outs, after noon sleeps, and the hardest study ever done before.......

Missing....

Tringgggg...........
The alarm rang.

Slowly my eyes opened.
what a fresh feeling.....
A debonair morning through the window!
But sun dazzled as I opened the door...
Something was missing.

Then morning coffee and newspaper.
Oh! The coffee was tasteless!
Something was surely missing.

Then my favorite - Cricket match.
Oh what a boob?
India lost?????
Something was really missing...

A hopeful morning turned out to be a desperate evening.
I went in fresh air to find the missing.
I dawdled through the way...
There was an old couple,
rummaging an old age house.
There was an adolescent girl with a 5 month baby in hands;
Begging for food.
A traffic jam,
everyone just rushing to find a way out.
Conflict between two groups,
looking like that of a Hindu-Muslim one...
Still minority majority issue.
A colony made a cemetery by those "attacks".

This was another aspect of life,
grabbed by mutilation.
The way finally got me back to my home.

This time when I was back,
I really, was back.
I found the missing.
It was nothing else, but me.